Top eight reasons why I won't comment on your weight loss
A few months ago I was at a meeting and suddenly found myself in the middle of a very awkward conversation.
A woman who had recently lost weight was receiving compliments from the group about how amazing and sexy she looked. They all seemed very impressed and she had a hesitant smile of pride on her face. At one point, the group seemed to notice that I wasn’t participating (obviously people who didn’t know me very well!) and suddenly all eyes were on me with expectant faces. They were waiting for me to join in.
I just stood there with a friendly smile but said nothing.
Yes it’s awkward and socially unacceptable at this point to refuse to compliment, insult or in any other way comment on another person’s body. But guess what? I also refuse to thank anyone who compliments on any perceived weight loss of mine or make excuses as a result of comments about weight gain. Conversations about the size of someone’s body don’t usually end well in the short or long term and I speak of this from personal experience.
Commenting on weight loss has the potential to do so much damage! Here are the top eight reasons why I won’t comment on weight loss:
Your weight loss might be the result of an eating disorder. People with eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes, believe it or not. I have worked with smaller people who have binge eating disorder and larger people with anorexia. You have no idea what the person has had to go through to lose weight that you are complimenting and whether or not you are reinforcing damaging, potentially deadly disorders.
Weight loss is statistically unsustainable. The woman I mentioned earlier, that everyone was fawning over? I have seen her lose and gain probably as much as I have over the years. Yet she continues to believe that this time it’s going to work! Research has shown over and over again that most people gain back some, if not all of the weight they lose when they diet.
Praising weight loss implies that they didn’t look “amazing and “sexy” before. It sends the same message that we have been indoctrinated with as young girls, that larger people are not attractive and that in order to be more appealing, they must always try to shrink themselves. When you are complimenting weight loss you are validating the idea that thinner is better.
Praising weight loss implies that I am not “amazing” and “sexy”. Thankfully I have done so much work to let go of the thin ideal that being a part of these conversations is not painful for me. But there was a time when they were. When you are a larger person listening to a group act like someone cured cancer by losing weight, it’s hard not to wonder what these same people think of you.
What happens when they gain the weight back? In the darkest of my dieting days, I was terrified that I would gain the weight back and what would everyone say then? There was a part of me that knew that I ultimately would put the weight back on and it scared me to fail in such a public way. Considering the statistics for sustained weight loss are so bleak, what will you do when the person you spent so much time admiring goes back to their fat self? Praising weight loss sets people up for going down a shame spiral when they gain weight back.
They might be sick. I’ve had people tell me that they got so many compliments on weight loss when they had cancer or surgery. Weight loss in these cases is a sign of ill health. Complimenting people on losing weight causes them to have to choose between revealing the health challenge they are facing or accepting a compliment that could lead to questions about diet, exercise, etc. This is the last thing that someone needs to deal with when they are sick. Of course if it were me, I would very bluntly tell them what my illness was and watch as they squirm with discomfort. I’m kind of evil like that.
They could be extremely stressed. Loss of appetite is common when someone is under severe stress or depression. Many people would choose the extra weight if it meant having stable housing or getting out of an abusive relationship. Question what can of worms you are willing to open when you decide to comment on their weight loss.
Finally, it’s none of my damn business. What someone looks like, eats, how much they exercise or what dress size they wear is seriously none of my business.
So, in conclusion, I will never, ever compliment your weight loss even if you are feeling like a queen who has accomplished her life’s work. Because even though you are a queen, shrinking your body is not your mission in life. I would much rather comment on how awesome you are at managing work and kids, crocheting, cooking, tractor pulling, stamp collecting, fighting fires…. Whatever it is that you do that makes you an exceptional human being. Being thinner is just not one of those things.