Navigating Neurodivergent Love
Ah, love! Novel and exciting at first and having the potential to create a lifelong bond.. But for those of us with neurodivergent brains, these bonds can sometimes come with a unique set of challenges and, more importantly, beautiful strengths. My own love story involves marrying two neurodivergent brains and has never had a dull moment, for better or for worse. Let’s explore how my partner and I navigate our relationship and hopefully offer some valuable insights.
Understanding the Landscape:
First, let's acknowledge that "neurodivergent" is a broad term encompassing a spectrum of differences like ADHD, Autism, Dyslexia, and more. In our relationship, I am ADHD and my partner is Autistic. To be clear, as typical Gen Xers we did not learn this about ourselves until later in life and had to figure out how to survive through trial and error. While there are many overlapping features of ADHD and Autism, there are as many differences.
Generally in relationships, this can manifest in various ways. For instance:
Communication Quirks: My husband’s communication can be direct and unfiltered. Mine can be impulsive and emotional. He shuts down to process, I need to talk to process. He needs very specific communication while I prefer more abstract. You can see where this might cause some… issues.
Sensory Overload: While both of our sensory systems are heightened compared to the general population, his is exponentially more so. Loud, sudden and high pitch sounds can send him into immediate dysregulation. I deal with misophonia, a condition that causes intense and irrationally strong negative responses to specific sounds, most often mouth sounds.
Executive Function Challenges: This has the biggest impact on me. I struggle to stay on task, remember important events or actions and can become confused pretty easily.
Hyperfixations and Interests: My partner can become deeply engrossed in his work or interests, sometimes to the point of neglecting other things. Transitioning away from these “special interests” is also difficult.
The Strengths in Our Differences:
It's not all challenges, though. In fact, our neurodivergences brings unique strengths to our relationship:
Intense Loyalty and Passion: Our loyalty and devotion to each other has allowed us to grow together over the past 20 years, despite any obstacles that have stood in our way.
Unique Perspectives: My big picture thinking complements his attention to detail and has allowed us to plan, problem solve and have fun together.
Honesty and Authenticity: Although we struggle with masking due to a lifelong pattern of trying to fit in, we value each other’s true nature. We encourage the other to drop the mask when we see it showing up in our relationship.
Hyperfocus on Shared Interests: When my partner and I share an interest, we are able to truly immerse ourselves in it fully because we share the same intense passion.
Tips for Navigating a Neurodiverse Relationship:
If you're neurodivergent and in a relationship (or hoping to be), here are some tips that have helped me:
Open Communication is Key: Be honest about your needs and challenges. Educate your partner about your neurodivergence and how it affects you.
Find a Supportive Partner: Look for someone who is patient, understanding, and willing to learn and grow together.
Establish Clear Boundaries: Communicate your sensory needs and set boundaries to avoid overwhelm.
Develop Coping Mechanisms: Identify strategies that help you manage your challenges, such as sensory tools, routines, or time management techniques.
Celebrate Your Strengths: Don't focus solely on the challenges. Embrace the unique strengths that your neurodivergence brings to the relationship.
Seek Professional Guidance: Couples therapy with a Neurodivergent Affirming therapist is essential, not only to improve your communication but to help you learn more about your partners inner world. Building this understand and empathy is best way to support each other!
Remember that you are not alone: There are many neurodivergent people in happy and healthy relationships, like me!
Embracing the Journey:
They say opposites attract and I certainly can attest to that. Being neurodivergent in a relationship is a journey of understanding, acceptance, and growth. It requires patience, communication, and a willingness to embrace our differences. But the rewards are immeasurable. By celebrating our unique strengths and supporting each other's needs, we can create a love story that is truly extraordinary.
What are your experiences with being neurodivergent in a relationship? Share your thoughts in the comments below!